What do you call a chef who's stingy with herbs? PARSLEYMONIOUS
April flowers bring May flowers. What do May flowers bring?
I think that we have a number of different health care challenges in our country, and certainly addressing the uninsured is one, and the second is making sure that those with health insurance actually get the care that they assume they'll have available to them if they get sick.
if a dog is tie to a peice of string that is 6m long, how can he reach a bone that is 7m away?
Math problem: I had 10 chocolate bars and ate 9. What do I have now? Diabetes.
The food isn't too bad. It's very different from the food that the astronauts ate in the very early days of the space program.
if you walk into a room with no walls, windows, or doors how do u get out?
Visit Antarctica
I am a container with no lock but when you open me i have a golden surprise inside. What am i?
Preparation for old age should begin not later than one's teens. A life which is empty of purpose until 65 will not suddenly become filled on retirement.
Why did the chicken go to the seance? To talk to the other side.
Power Nap
Motorcycle the Cabot Trail
What's that coffee drink with ice cream? I used to know it, but... Affogato.
To me, what separates a funny movie from a good movie is something personal.
My name starts with a K and ends in a N what is my name?
Why did the mechanic go to art school? Because he wanted to learn how to make a van go!
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
Rock and roll, rock and roll. What rocks but does not roll?
Start a travel blog
My business is to prevent the future.
Microbiology
Attend a beach party with a bonfire
i am a bomb but never
How do you kill a vampire from the South? With a chicken fried stake
One can always come up with funny lists and jokes. You know what? I take it back. Not everyone can always come up with funny lists and some jokes. I'm very lucky to have a gift where I can do that pretty ably.
there was once a rich man.He walked out of his roomand left a twenty dollar bill on the table.when he returned,it was gone.first he asked th maid if she had seen the money.she said she found itand put it under a book.when they looked,the money wasnt there. he then asked the butler.he said he put it between pages 32 and 33. so he opened the book and looked,but it wasnt there.however,after looking in the book the rich man now knew who stole the money.who was the theif?how did he know?
Why did the Kurd bury his music collection? His tribesman said "ISIL is approaching, and they're coming for Yazidis."
I think I have a tendency to look at things subjectively rather than objectively when I reflect on my experience.
Go dog-sledding
You're the bus driver. On your bus there are 50 people. At the first stop 25 get off. At the second 62 get on. At the third 94 get off and 38 get on. At the next stop 62 get on and 4 get off What color are the bus drivers eyes?
I'm not too into fast food, but you know if I was, it would be chicken.
Three robbers robbed a store. Once they came out they were totally changed, but they still continued robbing. Why?
Visit a hash café in Amsterdam
What concert tickets should cost $0.45? 50 cent feat. Nickelback!
This nation has always struggled with how it was going to deal with poor people and people of color. Every few years you will see some great change in the way that they approach this. We've had the war on poverty that never really got into waging a real war on poverty.
why do owls sleep when day and wakes at night?
Why did the Buddhist monk refuse Novocain? Because he wanted to transcend dental medication.
WHAT QUESTION CAN YOU NEVER ANSWER YES TO
Visit the Louvre
My cooking philosophy, what I try to do, is to make a cuisine where the produce and the product shines, compared to some current trends that are maybe more adding additional things, like molecular cuisine, with a lot of additives and chemicals, which are now showing that they could be bad for your health.
I was sick and tired of being an English actor who did a lot of American movies because I was cheap and good.
Where does the little king keep his little armies? Up his little sleevies.
Attend a TBEX event
I've never held myself up particularly high when I had movies that worked, and I never held myself all that low when I had failures.
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.
Two mothers and two daughters go to eat at a restaraunt, and get a table for three. How can this be?
Nobody needs to cry for me. I'm going to be great.
I run and run and cannot flee, always watched and never seen. When I'm long I bring boredom, when I'm short I bring fear. What am I?
See drift racing in Japan
Darth Vader told me he knows what i'm getting for Christmas He said he felt my presents...
Anger begins with folly, and ends with repentance.
I can be long, or I can be short. I can be grown, and I can be bought. I can be painted, or left bare. I can be round, or square. What am I?
Take a yoga class somewhere beautiful
What did the Estonian student say in language class? I'll never Finnish. *dodges tomato*
At our best, it's a good experience but we do 22 episodes a year, so there are some clunkers.
The word has seven letters. It preceded god. It is grater than god. More evil than the devil. Poor people have it. Wealthy people need it. If you eat it you will die. HAVE YOU WORKED IT OUT YET!
I've got quite a vivid imagination and I'm easily overwhelmed by sensations and things that are beautiful or scary. I don't think I've ever seen a ghost - I think I'm probably haunted by my own ghosts than real ones.
What did one wolf say to the other wolf? Howls it going?
i am not a man am i a man or a woman?
I usually wear a yellow coat. I usually have a dark head. I make marks wherever I go. What am I?
I'm a religious person. I remember my mom told me: 'Vengeance belongs to God. It's up to him to wreak vengeance.' It's hard for me to get to that point, but that's the work of God.
what is hard to see without the dark glass it comes up at different times as the seasons pass it is up every day it is never late if you get to close you might faint
See a volcanic eruption
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
The ballplayer who loses his head, who can't keep his cool, is worse than no ballplayer at all.
Imagine if you are trapped on an island. There is no way off the island and you are surrounded by sharks. How do you get off?
Well, I'm not good with sliminess. I hate the thought of creatures that have slime on them or creatures that leave a slimy trail. At home, the sight of a slug can bring up my breakfast.
Knock knock. Who's there? Doorbell technician.
There are 10 apples in a basket. There are 10 people. Each person takes an apple but there is still one apple left in the basket. How can this be?
I was just doing my job in the ring and doing my best to make people happy.
Smile and the world smiles with you. Frown and you're on your own.
Why didn't the bicycle cross the road? because it was two-tired.
As I was going to St.Ives I met a man with seven wives, every wife had seven sacks, every sack had seven cats, every cat had seven kittens, every kitten had seven mittens. How many were going to St.Ives
Iceboat racing
Why do zombies always kill at comedy clubs? Because their jokes are told post-humorously!
Jealousy is love bed of burning snarl.
what has hands,but dosen't clap.
Visit the Cave of the Crystals
Married people from my generation are like an endangered species!
What is brown on the outside, white on the inside, has skin and hair but no eyes and ears?
Visit Kronenberg Castle
My parents came from a poor background and worked their way up because of education. They saw it as a way to succeed. So they cared about me getting straight A grades when I was growing up.
How far can a bear go into the woods?
Camp in the Snowy Mountains
The only way to have a friend is to be one.
Today, the doctor told me that the bottom of my heart has stopped functioning. My girlfriend will be disappointed; that's the part I loved her from.
How many sides does a circle have?
Get my driver’s license
If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life.
Why did the fly fly? Because the spider spied her.
a woman shots her husband then she drowns him then she hangs him then she takes him out for dinner that night
Be a contestant on a game show
I don't like Paris so much, and it's only eight shows. I mean, don't tell them that, of course. But everyone always thinks they're so important. And I'm sure they are. But to me, my happiness is more important.
You go into the woods to get it. Then you sit down to find it. Then you go home because you couldn't find it.
try to make a phone number with these numbers: 2, 5, 7, 6, 3, 9, 1, 8,
Sex is God's joke on human beings.
Park’ and make out like a teenager
In love, unlike most other passions, the recollection of what you have had and lost is always better than what you can hope for in the future.
A man left for Las Vegas on Friday. He stayed 2 days and came back on Friday how is this possible?
You know my dad pushed me to believe that I was going to be the best. I just never thought of life without tennis, even looking forward.
If I ever fire someone who is a Taylor Swift fan I'll say "I knew you were trouble when you clocked in."
I am interested in computers and technology, and art, photography, and design.
I Saw Sirhc Winters walking home as i went home. I also saw 4 of my other friends going home. Besides, Sirhc was going home with me? Or Is He? I walk in front, He Walks in the back, he is my cousin, one sentece Changes it all, And My classmate kicked me for using his name, whats my name and What is my classmates name?
Southeast Asia food uses many different types of spices which are quite new to me, like the curry leaves which I saw at the Kreta Ayer wet market in Chinatown. With such spices used in cooking, this usually imparts a strong aroma to Southeast Asian food, which appeals to the senses.
kmx
I think people appreciate a songwriter who shows different sides. The whole angst thing is cool, but if that's all you've got, it's just boring. Everything I write, whether it's happy or sad, has a sense of humor to it.
if i am red i will stay red, if i am white i will stay white, if i am blue i will stay blue, however if i am green i am not green.
Why did the banana go to the doctor? It had a split personality.
This also turned out to be negative, so there is no material in the Central Intelligence Agency, either in the records or in the mind of any of the individuals, that there was any contact had or even contemplated with him.
What gets bigger the more you take out but smaller the more you put in?
You know, I don't think any mother aims to be a single mom. I didn't wish for that, but it happened.
I never was, am always to be, No one ever saw me, nor ever will And yet I am the confidence of all To live and breathe on this terrestrial ball
I was driving today... And saw a sign that said, "Steamed Crabs". I began to wonder: "What made them so mad?"
Go on a Lord of the Rings tour in New Zealand
What did the horse say when he fell over? "Help! I've fallen and I can't giddy up."
Reading about nature is fine, but if a person walks in the woods and listens carefully, he can learn more than what is in books, for they speak with the voice of God.
In all of the thousands of Blooming Flowers no one flower is exactly the same as the other in appearence. But deep inside, they are all the same. Because they all have one thing inside them...
Attend the Up Helly Aa Fire Festival
Car fixing & building
We live in an age of instant knowledge. And there's almost a sense of entitlement to that.
What do you call an imaginary color? A pigment of your imagination.
A man walks into a bar and says ouch. Why?
The Internet is not just one thing, it's a collection of things - of numerous communications networks that all speak the same digital language.
See a great white shark in the wild
There are many things we do not want about the world. Let us not just mourn them. Let us change them.
What do you call an alligator with a vest? An Investigator!
What can be swallowed, but can also swallow you?
The Fine Bros. 'React' announcement was like a television with no antenna. Poor reception.
I didn't fear failure. I expected failure.
How many goals did Germany score? gerMANY
When I arrived at Columbia, I gave up acting and became interested in all things French. French poetry, French history, French literature.
Association football
whats grows up grows down?
I'm not into watching stuff I did last week, let alone three or four years ago.
There is a big indian and a little indian. The little indian is the big indians son but the big indian is not the little indians father. What is the big indian?
I thought about starting a business selling halos... ...but the cost of overheads was too high.
Intelligence is nothing without delight.
Visit Hue in Vietnam
Parkour
it has a face but it has no eyes it has hands but no legs what is it?
I've never really had a problem with the imagination level of an audience. They're always smarter and savvier than any studio exec will give them credit for.
Visit the Plitvice Lakes
How many types of animals did moses take on the arch?
My idea of education is to unsettle the minds of the young and inflame their intellects.
Trapshooting
Road trip Australia’s east coast
It comes without warning, And makes you cry 'OH' But you never can see it Or tell where it goes.
When you're taught to love everyone, to love your enemies, then what value does that place on love?
What is 5 to 7 inches tall and stands up on its own?
Get my body painted