Our generation has an incredible amount of realism, yet at the same time it loves to complain and not really change. Because, if it does change, then it won't have anything to complain about.
Once a girl was driving her bull to a party but her car broke down.So she had to find a phone she found one and it was worth 1 cent to use.So she got a penny but you could only say one word.What word did she say?
God will not permit any troubles to come upon us, unless He has a specific plan by which great blessing can come out of the difficulty.
A man got to the fiftieth branch of a tree, but not further. Why?
Here's a funny joke I heard about pizza oh nevermind. It's too cheesy.
I hope all of you are going to fill out your census form when it comes in the mail next month. If you don't return the form the area you live in might get less government money and you wouldn't want that to happen, would you.
The future is going to be boring. The suburbanisation of the planet will continue, and the suburbanisation of the soul will follow soon after.
Which clock works best, the one that loses a minute a day, or the one that doesn't work at all?
I haven't been faithful to my own advice in the past. I will in the future.
If you break me, I do not stop working. If you touch me, I may be snared. If you lose me nothing will matter. What am I?
Military intelligence interrogators, however, their goal is to get information, to save lives, to stop the war, to find Saddam - whatever the information is going to be used for, at whatever cost.
We also have to make sure our children know the history of women. Tell them the rotten truth: It wasn't always possible for women to become doctors or managers or insurance people. Let them be armed with a true picture of the way we want it to be.
I came into this subreddit expecting jokes about soap. I am mildly disappointed.
there are three men one is hungry, other one is angry find the the third word. There are only three words in the english language. Whats the third word???
In the riddle "ABC" in the impossible section it says "The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog". That sentence does not contain all of the letters of the alphabet, it is missing "S". The correct sentence is "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog".
Good nature is worth more than knowledge, more than money, more than honor, to the persons who possess it.
Three friends check into a motel for the night and the clerk tells them the bill is $30, payable in advance. So, they each pay the clerk $10 and go to their room. A few minutes later, the clerk realizes he has made an error and overcharged the trio by $5. He asks the bellhop to return $5 to the 3 friends who had just checked in. The bellhop sees this as an opportunity to make $2 as he reasons that the three friends would have a tough time dividing $5 evenly among them; so he decides to tell them that the clerk made a mistake of only $3, giving a dollar back to each of the friends. He pockets the leftover $2 and goes home for the day! Now, each of the three friends gets a dollar back, thus they each paid $9 for the room which is a total of $27 for the night. We know the bellhop pocketed $2 and adding that to the $27, you get $29, not $30 which was originally spent. Where did the other dollar go????
Cherish your human connections: your relationships with friends and family.
The Bush administration also was not straightforward about the intelligence it had, releasing tenuous information that fit its goal of attacking Iraq. I feel deceived.
Yesterday is Wednesdays tomorrow and tomorrow is Sundays yesterday what day am i
No matter how popular you are as a stand-up - you can go out and fill a 10,000-seat arena and be smart and funny - it's delicate to host an awards show and know where your place is and know that it's not about you, that it's about the people who are nominated, and respect that, but at the same time have your moment to show them who you are.
What has wheels and flies?
What do you call a bear with mp arms, legs, or a head?
The desire for possession is insatiable, to such a point that it can survive even love itself. To love, therefore, is to sterilize the person one loves.
Forward I am heavy, backword I am not. What am I?
I go off and make movies I come home, and I'm a dad and I hang with my girls.
I'm not that into reading. If I'm gonna read, I'm gonna read some cool sci-fi book or something, not some stupid self-help book.
The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.
What is a door when its not a door
just because the sun is out dosen't mean it's day and just because the moon is out dosen't mean it's night. just because the ground has a whole in it means you will fall through.the fish are warmer than you but, colder than the you. where are you?
Anger becomes limiting, restricting. You can't see through it. While anger is there, look at that, too. But after a while, you have to look at something else.
Sometimes God writes straightforward in twisted lines.
How can you catch a unique rabbit
Luck, like a Russian car, generally only works if you push it.
Stronger than any beast, Rougher than any sea. Steadier than a favorable wind, and of me none shall be free. What am I?
The other day the President said, I know you've had some rough times, and I want to do something that will show the nation what faith that I have in you, in your maturity and sense of responsibility. He paused, then said, would you like a puppy?
there is a man trapped inside a solid steel box in the middle of nowhere.there is only a table inside the box.how does the man get out of the box and back to civilisation...?
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
How can you tell the difference between dogs and trees?
What do you call an Egyptian doctor who works on peoples backs? A Cairopractor!
A strong hatred is the best lamp to bear in our hands as we go over the dark places of life, cutting away the dead things men tell us to revere.
Software comes from heaven when you have good hardware.
Being nerdy just means being passionate about something, including everyone - the coolest people on Earth are passionate and therefore nerdy about something whatever it is, whether it's sports, or gaming, or technology, or fashion, or beauty, or food, or whatever.
How does one wear a hand bag?
The word CANDY can be spelled using just 2 letters. Can you figure out how?
God will never direct us to be prideful, arrogant and unforgiving, immoral or slothful or full of fear. We step into these things because we are insensitive to the leadership of the Holy Spirit within us.
It was really like waking up one morning and going, Wow, I enjoy being with this person more than anybody else in my life, and it just turned out to be mutual.
Imagine you are a busdriver. You drive down Huston Lane and pick up 6 people. You drive through Smith Avenue and drop off 2 people. You drive up Casey Street and pick up and another 10 people, while further up the street you drop off 1 person. How old is the busdriver?
In high school I was an outcast... I wasn't cool to hang out with. I ate my lunch in a bathroom stall because that was the one place I could go where I wouldn't been seen.
It cannot be seen, It cannot be felt,Cannot be heard , Cannot be smelt.It lies behind stars and under hills,And empty holes it fills. It comes first and follows after,Ends,Kills laughter. What am I?
What did the robot say to the centipede?
I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.
There is more of good nature than of good sense at the bottom of most marriages.
My mom always taught me to be sweet and polite and cross my legs because it's what the guys like. Actually, they like a raunchy girl once in a while.
There is a woman who buys a pair of shoes, the next day she wears them to work and dies. Why?
Under current law volunteers who are not working with an official nonprofit organization are not covered by the Volunteer Protection Act. Therefore, there are absolutely no legal protections for the average American who wishes to volunteer.
Some ants are taking a walk .There is an ant in front of 2 ants ,an ant behind 2 antsand an antbetween 2 ants.What is the total number of ants?
The true work of art is but a shadow of the divine perfection.
Runs up the hill, and runs down the hill, but in spite of all, it stands still
It is clear that not in one thing alone, but in many ways equality and freedom of speech are a good thing.
In times of rapid change, experience could be your worst enemy.
How can you physically stand behind your friend as he physically stands behind you?
Why don't you see penguins in Britain? Because they're afraid of Wales
If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was?
What common English verb becomes its own past tense by rearranging its letters?
What happened with Hurricane Katrina was the American electorate was forced to look at what lay behind the veneer of chest-beating. We all saw the consequences of having terrible government leadership.
I'd like to be settled into somewhat of a normal life. Somewhat. I know it's never going to be completely normal.
what word do you have when you take away the whole alphabet
Men are born with two eyes, but with one tongue, in order that they should see twice as much as they say.
Imagine your in a metal box. Without doors, windows or anything. Who do you get out?
The Afghans did not have sophisticated weapons like the Soviets did, but with their faith they defeated a superpower.
In what town lives the mathematician who can only multiply by two? Dublin.
Well, I think that California has had a history of always spending more money than it takes in.
Americans, particularly after World War II, tended to romanticize war because in World War II our cause was the cause of humanity, and our soldiers brought home glory and victory, and thank God that they did. But it led us to romanticize it to some extent.
Imagine John, a party magician, is carrying three pieces of gold each piece weighing one kilogram. While taking a walk he comes to a bridge which has a sign posted saying the bridge could hold only a maximum of 80 kilograms. John weighs 78 kilograms and the gold weighs three kilograms. John reads the sign and still safely crossed the bridge with all the gold. How did he manage?
Guard with jealous attention the public liberty. Suspect everyone who approaches that jewel. Unfortunately, nothing will preserve it but downright force. Whenever you give up that force, you are inevitably ruined.
Which continent is a widdow?
Today it is not big business that we have to fear. It is big government.
What is that which follows you and be with you in the dark, but dies in the morning ?
Who sows fear, reaps weapons.