What's the best part of a baker's body? Their buns.
Mohammed was not an apparent failure. He was a dazzling success, politically as well as spiritually, and Islam went from strength to strength to strength.
What do you get when you mix Carmen Electra with Beyonce?
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. :)
With Alexander's cancer, I was definitely brought to my knees for the first time because of the fear factor.
Which weighs more, a pound of feathers or a pound of bricks?
My parents- they've been my biggest influences and supporters since day one. They teach me every day that happiness comes from within and not from something outside of your heart.
Have a lover from every continent
What do you call a cow w/nolegs?
Why did the cashier go to the doctor? She had a case of the twenties.
Those who visit foreign nations, but associate only with their own country-men, change their climate, but not their customs. They see new meridians, but the same men and with heads as empty as their pockets, return home with traveled bodies, but untravelled minds.
You are a dectective assigned to a case of a mysterious suicide. The man who commited suicide did it in his studio apartment in the middle of the living room with a rope hanging on the ceiling fan and a puddle of water beneath him. The apartment is bare with no furniture, no chairs, stools, ladders, whatsoever. He couldn't have climbed the window because he is in the center of the apartment.The question is how did get hang himself?
It seems sensible to me that we should look to the medical profession, that over the centuries has helped us to live longer and healthier lives, to help us die peacefully among our loved ones in our own home without a long stay in God's waiting room.
See a redwood in the flesh
I have a tongue but cannot talk. I have a soul but am not alive. What am I?
What did the Pelican say to the fish when he was running late for work? I'll catch you later!
There's one more thing I want to say. It's a touchy subject. Black beauty. Black sensuality. We live in a culture where the beauty of black people isn't always as celebrated as other types. I'd like to help change that if I can!
Acroyoga
its around but not always around, it light some times it dark some times its both some times, so many want to walk on it but only a few have?
This is the first age that's ever paid much attention to the future, which is a little ironic since we may not have one.
Learn to square dance
if a red house is red, a blue house is bue, a purple house is purple what colour is a greenhouse
It is in the admission of ignorance and the admission of uncertainty that there is a hope for the continuous motion of human beings in some direction that doesn't get confined, permanently blocked, as it has so many times before in various periods in the history of man.
What is heavier: a kilo of sand, a kilo of iron ore, a kilo of feathers, a kilo of flour, or a kilo of fruits?
Collecting intelligence information is like trying to drink water out of a fire hydrant. You know, in hindsight It's great. The problem is there's a million dots at the time.
Texas and Oklahoma law says that, "If someone dies in a plane crash, they must be buried where they crashed" A plane was flying from Austin, Texas to Oklahoma City. The plane crashed right on the border. Where do they burry the survivors?
English people don't have very good diction. In France you have to pronounce very particularly and clearly, and learning French at an early age helped me enormously.
What has no legs but can run.
A great secret of success is to go through life as a man who never gets used up.
General Custer is surrounded by Indians and he's the only cowboy left. He finds an old lamp in front of him and rubs it. Out pops a genie. The genie grants Custer one wish, with a catch. He says, "Whatever you wish for, each Indian will get two of the same thing." Custer ponders a while and thinks:"If I get a bow and arrow they get two. If I get a rifle they get two!" He then rubs the bottle again and out pops the genie. "Well," the genie asks "have you made up your mind?" What did Custer ask for to help him get away?
What do you call a social media platform designed for religious people who also have speech impediments? Faithbook
As far as I'm aware, everybody in the shadow cabinet accepts that there's a compelling case on climate change and a strong scientific case.
What does no man want, yet no man want to lose?
A man walks into a bar... He says "Ow"
James Finch is exactly what I'm looking for, as far as getting back into the race car to have fun.
We are three words, nothing ryhmes with us and we are the only words in the english speaking language that don't have a ryhming word. We begin with O, M, and S. Who are we?
What do you cal a bear with extreme mood swings? A bi-polar bear.
You can't have a sustainable US economy without a great education system. Teach students to do the job right. You don't have an innovative economy unless you have a great education.
A farmer and his hired help were carrying grain to the barn. The farmer carried one sack of grain and the hired help carried two sacks. Who carried the heavier load and why?
Which way will it fall? If a rooster lays an egg on a pointed roof, which way will it land? Roosters don't lay eggs
We think the Mac will sell zillions, but we didn't build the Mac for anybody else. We built it for ourselves. We were the group of people who were going to judge whether it was great or not. We weren't going to go out and do market research. We just wanted to build the best thing we could build.
Ride a camel
What's so great about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
I don't want to clip on the armour every morning. I've seen some politicians do this and they get a bit mangled and bitter. I just refuse to do that. I refuse to be angry or bitter or complain, and I remain open. I may sometimes be a bit too open but I'm not going to change that one bit.
If three cats catch three mice in three minutes, how many cats would be needed to catch 100 mice in 100 minutes?
Be treated like a VIP in a club
Why did the snail draw an "S" on the side of his car? So that when he drove by people could say, "Look at that escargot!"
I mean I was famous for nothing.
There was a man who goes into a bar. He asks the bartender for a glass of water. Instead, the bartender holds up a gun. The man says, "Thank you!" and leaves. Why?
Learn to sail
You'd like more people to recognise what you do is special. But I take the attitude that the best thing I can do for my sport is to be the best at it. The best way people will come to recognise that track and field is a great sport is to see athletes excelling at it. Which is what I intend to do.
How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? A Brazilian.
as your ideas grow I shrink. what am I?
Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other.
How can this be true? Have a look at the picture. All the lines are straight, the shapes that make up the top picture are the same as the ones in the bottom picture so where does the gap come from?
Compete in a scavenger hunt
Why did the girl quit her job at the donut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.
You are capable of more than you know. Choose a goal that seems right for you and strive to be the best, however hard the path. Aim high. Behave honorably. Prepare to be alone at times, and to endure failure. Persist! The world needs all you can give.
there was a girl named kelly and she was annoying taylor and john and kristin and shanna.She had fainted one day and never woke up why???????
Learn to give a good full body massage
What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy student?
Why should you never invest in bakeries? Because they have a high turnover rate.
That U.N. Security Council resolution requires getting Syrian troops and intelligence officials out of Lebanon so that the Lebanese can have elections here this spring that are free and fair and free of outside influence.
some monts have 30 day's some have 31 day's. How many months have 28 days?
What's the difference between a piano, a tuna and a jar of glue? You: You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna! Person getting told joke: What about the glue? You: I knew you'd get stuck there!
What is greater then god,worse then the devil, poor people have it and rich people need it. What am I??
There is one thing that can be...Bad,good,and perfect.But it can't be 2 things.What am I?
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning? He was *too far out, maaan*.
Where I come from it was really unheard of to be at a party and someone says, 'What kind of music do you make?', and you say, 'Pop music.' You may as well have 'I'm not cool' stamped on your forehead.
Noodling
The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
I am the smallest eye, what am I?
Science joke The bartender says "we don't serve your kind here" He orders a drink A Tachyon walks into a bar Who wants to hear a Tachyon joke?
Don't be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment.
There was a plane that crashed, not a single person lived. Who lived?
You have two coins.They eaqual 15cents.One of them isn't a nickel.What coins do you have?
I'm a car fanatic and each morning I wake up with a smile on my face, whether I'm commentating on the Formula One or at Silver Hatch racetrack in Roary the Racing Car.
Sand art
Practice archery
What great thing would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?
What happens once in a month, twice in a moment, and nevr in a thousand years?
I finally finished baby proofing the house. Let's see those babies get in here now.
No matter how good you are, at some point your kids are gonna have to create their own independence and think that Mom and Dad aren't cool, just to establish themselves. That's what adolescence is about. They're gonna go through that no matter what.
You chop of my head and weep beside me. What am i ?
Catch, clean, and cook my own meal
You live with the fear people might find out. Then you actually have the courage to tell people and they go, I don't think you are gay. It's enough to drive you crazy.
When its dark i can see when its light i am a sleep.What am I?
Find combinations of flavors you love and buy the best quality ingredients you can afford. Your food is only going to be as good as the sum of its parts, like anything else.
if you went to bed at 8 p.m and set the alarm to 9 , in the morning how many hours of sleep would you get?
Third issue, and again I think it is important to note, anyone can make a mistake and any administration can make a mistake once in a while, but this is just a long train of abuses, an unbroken chain of following special interests rather than the health of the American people.
How many letters are in the alphabet?
Ride a segway
I make sound but have no mouth, I move but have no body, I am not hard nor soft and I can be deadly! What am I?
Men are not great or small because of their material possessions. They are great or small because of what they are.
Why did the bee go to the doctor? He had honeycomb disease.
Go on a pub crawl
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
A doctor and a bus driver are both in love with the same woman, an attractive girl named Sarah. The bus driver had to go on a long bustrip that would last a week. Before he left, he gave Sarah seven apples. Why?
What do you call a Moroccan candy distributor? A Fez dispenser.
When I'm in the car sometimes it's like, 'Yeah, man, just put on the pop music.' You know what I mean? I don't want to listen to Tom Waits.
How many letters are in the alphabet?
My uncle wanted to give all his sheep a sex change... But it entailed too many ramifications!
what has 4 wheels and flies
Successful people make money. It's not that people who make money become successful, but that successful people attract money. They bring success to what they do.
Have you guys ever heard of the crazy Mexican Train Killer? He had...... Loco Motives
Wisdom is the supreme part of happiness.
Some months have 31 days, some have 31 how many have 28?
Some people work hard in this business and become really popular, really big stars but they never receive an award from within the business. Somehow, when your colleagues and friends believe in you to the point of handing you an award it means so much more.
Who is the only superhuman Frozone can't deal with? Thor.
there was a duck floting on top of the water and a cat sleeping in her tail then the duck jumped in the water. what happened to the cat?
I never wanted to be famous.
Why does Snoop Dog carry and umbrella? Fo-Drizzle
I play on a diamond, I play fair, I always get dirty, And then I run home. What Am I?
My son decided to help me clean the car today. After ten minutes of watching him, I told him to use some elbow grease. Two hours later, the idiot came back and told me that he couldn't find it.
Man cannot live by incompetence alone.
You know that family is going to be there for you no matter what. My dad gave me a freakin' kidney!
what goes first but then follows, what fills in holes and blocks out the sky, it scares shadows and blocks the sun. what is it?
Why are the nordic countries the best countries to live in? Their flags are big plusses.
It takes no compromising to give people their rights. It takes no money to respect the individual. It takes no survey to remove repressions.
I go around in circles, But always straight ahead Never complain, No matter where I am led.
Did you hear about NASA finding bones on the moon? Yeah, the cow didn't make it.
There is a powerful need for people to feel that gust of hope rise up again.
a man cycled across a bridge but yethe walked. HOW!
I wanna make a joke about sodium. But Na.
The issue of civil rights was too much for the establishment to handle. One of the chapters of history that's least studied by historians is the 300 to 500 riots in the U.S. between 1965 and 1970.
What did Cinderella say while waiting for her photos? Someday my prints will come
I stepped out on faith to follow my lifelong dream of being an author. I made real sacrifices and took big risks. But living, it seems to me, is largely about risk.
Witness childbirth
What is in the middle of the word sky?
Men and women of every faith and good people with none at all sincerely strive to do right and lead a purpose-driven life.
Visit the Red Light District in Amsterdam
A man of eighty has outlived probably three new schools of painting, two of architecture and poetry and a hundred in dress.
Have a beer with one of my heroes
A clock chimes 5 times in 4 seconds. How many times will it chime in 10 seconds?
When is booger not a booger? When it('s not).
Marriage is a reflection of your life in general: how you treat people, how you argue, how secure you are in your own thoughts. How vehemently do you argue your point of view? With what disdain do you view the other's point of view?
Scuba dive the Big Blue Hole
The man who invented it dowsn't want it. The man who bough it doesn't need it. The man who needs it dosen't know it. What is it?