Marriage isn't a carnival ride.
What's black and white and red all over.
I'm not really a morning person.
what starts with an e and has only one letter in it????
But the problem is that when I go around and speak on campuses, I still don't get young men standing up and saying, 'How can I combine career and family?'
Safari on the Serengeti
once there was a bride who lived with her mother-in-law and was very fond of rasberrys.she liked them so much she would steal them from the mother-in-law.the mother-in-law had a feeling that the bride was the one stealing the rasberrys because before she moved in they were never stolen before.so the mother-in-law came up with a plan she would put some rsberrys on the floor and see if she would take them.so when the bride did see it she did not eat it she picked it up and went to the mother-in-law and said only three words which convinced the mother-in-law that she was not the culperate.what were her three words?
And we've got to ask ourselves some very serious questions as to whether or not certain religious leaders, in terms of raising money - I hate to bring this up - are pushing hot buttons.
What's brown and sticky? A stick
Enter a food eating contest
live in the underground, and also live in Grasslands.
Fantasy sports
I think a major element of jetlag is psychological. Nobody ever tells me what time it is at home.
Did you hear about the kidnapping in Delaware? Don't worry, he eventually woke up.
there was once a house that was round. There was a man that lived with his wife he had a little girl. Then one day the wife got killed secertly. Who killed his wife? - the gardener that was water the plant - the teacher that teaching the student - the cook that was cooking - the butler that was sweepping the corners - the little girl that was playing with her father( hehe) -the libraian who was ordering something??? WHO KILL THE WIFE???
My buddy said he'd give his right arm to be ambidextrous.
The love of heaven makes one heavenly.
Climb Mount Kilimanjaro
If a red house is made of red bricks and a yellow house is made of yellow bricks,what is a greenhouse made of?
Violence is a problem we all want to solve. I want to make sure that kids learn to deal with anger by learning how to talk with people to solve problems. Here in the United States Senate I want to make sure we have safe schools, safe neighborhoods and good things for kids to do after school!
Visit La Push Beach
You are the bus driver. There are 12 kids on the bus. 5 kids get off the bus 6 also get off. 4 kids come back on, 2 more kids get on, 3 kids go off 1 kid gets on. 7 kids also ge back on, 12 kids get off 4 get back on, 3 also get back on. How old is the bus driver?
I am everywhere, everyone knows me; but as soon as you say my name, I am gone. What am I?
The great enemy of clear language is insincerity. When there is a gap between one's real and one's declared aims, one turns, as it were, instinctively to long words and exhausted idioms, like a cuttlefish squirting out ink.
I, for one, am quite willing to join the 'forgive, forget and move on' crowd, but it does make me wonder if Evangelicals are going to sound believable when they say that they tend to vote Republican because of their religious commitments to the family.
Why doesn't the Sun go to college? Because he has a million degrees.
The sensitivity of men to small matters, and their indifference to great ones, indicates a strange inversion.
First, think of a person who lived in disguise, who deals in secrets and tells naught but lies. Next, tell me what is always the last thing to mend, the middle of middle and end of the end. And finally, give me the sound that is often heard, during the search for a hard-to-find word. Now string them together and answer me this: Which creature would you be unwilling to kiss?
To speak of "limits to growth" under a capitalistic market economy is as meaningless as to speak of limits of warfare under a warrior society. The moral pieties, that are voiced today by many well meaning environmentalists, are as naive as the moral pieties of multinationals are manipulative. Capitalism can no more be "persuaded" to limit growth than a human being can be "persuaded" to stop breathing. Attempts to "green" capitalism, to make it "ecological", are doomed by the very nature of the system as a system of endless growth.
A man and his son were driving and had an accident. The father died. The son was taken to a hospital for treatment of injuries. The surgeon said "I cant operate on this boy, he's my son!" How is this possible?
Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.
I am seen at night, But not at day, I have a long tail, My life is short, But bright as a flashlight in the dark, What am I?
Why don't you want your nose to be 12 inches long? because then it would be a foot!
Under this president, we have a government that has grown too big, too costly and now even more overbearing by forcing religious entities to abandon their beliefs.
Go on a blind date
What occurs once in a lifetime,twice in a moment but never in your life?
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho-path.
Architecture, of all the arts, is the one which acts the most slowly, but the most surely, on the soul.
Go wakeboarding
A man was walking his three dogs and he meets his brother who is walking his 2 dogs. How many feets are together at that one spot?
Bush sees the evil as out there in the wider world, residing in people who 'hate freedom'. Look at his immediate response to the pictures of prisoner abuse this is not what Americans do, these are not our values.
I have the same sense of the power and virtue of knowledge that some people get from a religious background.
The man who made it sells it The man who bought it doesn't use it The man who is useing it doesn't know he is using it. What is it?
I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.
I am tall,thin and smart What do you think of me?
The United States dollar took another pounding on German, French and British exchanges this morning, hitting the lowest point ever known in West Germany.
i am square iam yellow i have holes around my body i drink water i look lifeless yet i am alive what am i
Roll in a huge pile of leaves
A film's success or failure is strictly on the director's shoulders.
No sooner spoken than broken. What is it?
Art has a double face, of expression and illusion, just like science has a double face: the reality of error and the phantom of truth.
NOTHING IN A MONTH 1 IN A YEAR NONE IN A DAY BUT 2 IN A WEEK
Where do literal dogs live? On the roof.
I have now taken a serious task upon myself and I fear a greater one that is in the power of any man to perform in the given time-but it is too late to go back.
a box without hinges key or lid yet golden treasure inside is hid.
Shiny and round face pointed down you look without seeing it sees withuot looking.
And books that were published in much larger numbers than Selfish, Little are hard to find. And publishers who wanted to publish my last few works have them stuck in limbo while new distribution ideas and legal issues and fears are blown away.
For my part, I do not feel that the scheme of future happiness, which ought by rights to be in preparation for me, will be at all interfered with by my not meeting again the man I have in my. mind.
You follow my lead, and you're lighter behind. I follow your lead, and you might just be blind. What am I?
Sometimes a scene may be about one thing, and it may end up still being about that, but the emotionality of it comes from somewhere else, or the humor of it comes from somewhere else, and it gives it that real-life quality.
If someone says to you, "I'll bet you $1 that if you give me $2, I will give you $3 in return", would this be a good bet for you to accept?
Smash a guitar
I have to find a new personal trainer. He didn't do squat(s).
Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.
What is black and white read all over?
Celebrate St. Patrick’s Day in Ireland
I wrote a novel for my degree, and I'm very happy I didn't submit that to a publisher. I sympathize with my professors who had to read it.
I walk on 4 legs in the morning, 2 in the afternoon and 3 in the evening. what am I?
Forget the past - the future will give you plenty to worry about.
What does Drew Carey have in his driveway? Cleveland Rocks!
what is brown but white, has ear but can't hear, and its a head but not a circle?
We cast away priceless time in dreams, born of imagination, fed upon illusion, and put to death by reality.
A PLANE CRASHES ON THE BORDER OF MEXICO AND THE USA. WHERE DO THE BURY THE SURVIVORS?
Chess
There is always a present and extant life, be it better or worse, which all combine to uphold.
the wave, over a wave, a strange thing i saw, through-wrought, and wonderful ornate: a wonder on the waves, water become bone.
What did Cholera say to Malaria? Are you gonna Jaundice on Saturday?
Happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one's values.
2 china men were in a shop and the shop assistant how does the assistant kidnap the china men
Go streaking
A belief in God is vitally important, not just in show business, but stability in life. You know, to recognize deity is the most important thing that you can do. I mean, it comes to the Ten Commandments. They weren't ten suggestions. They were Ten Commandments.
The person who builds it, doesn't need it, The person who buys it doesn't use it, The person that uses it doesn't know it... What is it?
I was raised by a lady that was crippled all her life but she did everything for me and she raised me. She washed our clothes, cooked our food, she did everything for us. I don't think I ever heard her complain a day in her life. She taught me responsibility towards my brother and sisters and the community.
there was a girl who went to her fathers funeral. when she went there she fell in love with a guy.after sometime she hadn't seen him anymore(as in he ditched her).after she couldn't find him she killed her sister. why did she kill her sister?
Amusement park visiting
We, the people. Manifest Destiny. Conceived in liberty. Fear itself. Ask not. Morning in America. United we stand. Yes, we can. In times of great change and tumult, presidents seek to inspire beleaguered Americans by reminding them of their national identity.
which area in our country is always attacked by bombs?
Pick up line for a Shakespeare lover. How now brown chicken brown cow?
I'm not a screamer. I'm confrontational, but I don't think that translates into anger.
A group of soldiers were standing in the blistering sun facing due west. Their sergeant shouted at them: Right turn! About turn! Left turn! In which direction are they now facing?
When you are at the bottom, you find beauty in such little things, and goodness in such little gestures. When I compare any struggle today to ones that I may have had in my childhood, there is nothing that can bring me down.
Who is that with a neck and no head, two arms and no hands?
Why did the hippie drown? He was too *far out*!
Three cars had driven into a parking lot at the same time, and the three drivers left them all for the attendant to park. Unfortunately, he isn't too good at remembering exactly which driver drove which car. However, he is sure of these 6 facts: a. Colin drove the BMW if and only if Mr. Cooper drove the Avenger. b. Alan drove the Cortina if and only if Mr. Cooper drove the BMW. c. Colin is Mr. Brown if and only if Mr. Andrews drove the BMW. d. Brian is Mr. Andrews if and only if Colin drove the BMW. e. Mr. Cooper drove the Avenger if and only if Alan is Mr. Brown. f. Colin is Mr. Brown if and only if Alan drove the Cortina. Who arrived with which car?
In the practice of tolerance, one's enemy is the best teacher.
When painting a room, preparation is key. The actual painting should account for about 40% of the work.
Solve a rubix cube
I just read this article about short term memory I don't remember what it was about
Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
what kind of driver doesn't have a liscence?
Dating is different when you get older. You're not as trusting, or as eager to get back out there and expose yourself to someone.
What do these 2 words have in common? SUBCONTINENTAL UNCOMPLIMENTARY
I don't rehearse a lot. I try to keep it organic. Even in movies, the less I rehearse, the better I am.
Attend a lady boy show
I went for a job interview today... The interviewer said to me, What would you say your greatest weakness is? I said, I think Id have to say my listening skills are my greatest strength.
What good am I? I can't have kids. I can't cook. I've been divorced three times. Who would want me?
Get hypnotised
Mom asked if I wanted to race toy cars with my neighbor Chucky. I responded, "Nah, that's child's play."
a man walked into a bath room with a real loaded gun and real bullets loaded in,he shot him self in betwen the eyes and lived!how did he do it and no,he's not superman or he didnt miss.
Go wind-surfing
The great nations have always acted like gangsters, and the small nations like prostitutes.
Wine tasting
Do you know why there's no casinos in Africa? Because there's too many CHEETAHS!
There are hurdles, there are handicaps, hardships you have to face in life, but you hope for a great future.
Ride in a double decker bus
When your dreams tire, they go underground and out of kindness that's where they stay.
I can show any person or anything, but they will not move so asleep they may seam. I surround these people or these things, with a border that is sure to please.
Candy making
They can do without architecture who have no olives nor wines in the cellar.
There is a butcher that is 5'4". What does he weigh?
I have a house there in nothing in it but a rocking chair it goes back and foward how does it move?
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy if not, you'll become a philosopher.
One Eskimo said to the other, "Where is your mother from?" The second Eskimo says "Alaska."
I was always a singer. But I was always focused on being an actor as my trade. Music I do just for me. The movie business is very difficult but the music business is just impossible.
Boat down the Amazon river
It's night and three man are walking down a sidewalk. They are walking in a straight line parrallel to the road. They are wearing green, yellow, and red respectively. The man wearing yellow walks onto the road but the cars don't hit him. The man wearing red does the same and avoids being hit. The green man also walks out but is disregarded by the first car. Why is this so?
I shines through the night even though no power is around, It discovers many invisble things It's yellow or white It's silent doesn't sing, No sound It can come and go And sometimes It dies It's not the sun No lies
Improving our national intelligence capabilities should remain a top priority and a continual process.