What is always coming, but never arrives?
The greatest discovery of all time is that a person can change his future by merely changing his attitude.
Death is a billion-dollar business. They can't even pass a law where it takes seven days to get a gun. Why don't you have to go through the same kind of screening you do to get a driver's license? It's totally insane.
But I love being scared. I think you're brave only when you do things that scare you. I've always used fear as a motivator. I'm not sure why.
See the Terra Cotta Warriors
When you say things like, 'We have to wipe out the Taliban,' what does that mean? The Taliban is not a fixed number of people. The Taliban is an ideology that has sprung out of a history that, you know, America created anyway.
What is the only continent that does not have snakes or reptiles?
To persevere, trusting in what hopes he has, is courage in a man.
Why did the teacher wear sunglasses to class? To protect her grade.
What did the flow say to the other flower?
I get in trouble when I say things like, 'I'm attracted to violence.' I was a pretty angry kid, and I got into military history largely as a way to vent my own anger. As I got older it narrowed down to a more specific focus on individual violence. I'm just trying to understand where it came from.
One elaphant was chasing a mouse the mouse went in the mosque. How did the elaphant know that the mouse was in the mosque?
What get wet as it drys?
As you watch the world crumble, try taking your Armageddon with this sprinkling of irony: Over the last three decades, business has got virtually everything it wanted, and its doomsday scenario from the 1970s has come true because of it.
What is irony? Irony is when something has the chemical symbol Fe.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing that we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down.
The percentage you're paying is too high priced While you're living beyond all your means And the man in the suit has just bought a new car From the profit he's made on your dreams.
Who has a big boutique? Who works at Grassland? Who would like to sprinkle boutique powder on your Grassland burger?
Let me be clear. I support the definition of marriage as a union between a man and a woman.
So that, to me, is important that audiences are treated with an amount of respect toward their intelligence. Most Hollywood films don't respect their intelligence.
Did y'all hear the one about the professional jump-roper? Never mind. *Skip it*.
when a dragon flies, he seeks it with his eyes, when a dragon roars, he holds it in his claws, when he slumbers, deep, he dreams of it in his sleep' but there, beneath his head, it forms his stony bed
I hump the wild to take it all in, there is no bag limit on happiness.
Have we failed to slow global warming pollution in part because climate and environmental activists have been too polite and well behaved?
the person who invented it does not need it. the person who brought it does not want it. the person who needs it doesen't know it what is it?
What I've learned is that you really don't need to be a celebrity or have money or have the paparazzi following you around to be famous.
there is a man in a locked room. ther are no vents no windows no nothing exept a bed, piano, and a calander. how will he eat, drink, and get out of the room??? it is possible
Renaissance fair
We have always had gross humor. But we try for funny, not gross.
Tall i am young short i am old.Peoples breath is my foe. What am i?
See Australia play in the FIFA World Cup
Divorce these days is a religious vow, as if the proper offspring of marriage.
It stares at you in the face all day without eyes. It speaks without a mouth. Its face always changes from one thing to the next.
Money speaks, but it speaks with a male voice.
In Fame's temple there is always a niche to be found for rich dunces, importunate scoundrels or successful butchers of the human race.
You are going to be executed but you are allowed to decide how. The judge says "Make one statement if it is false you will have your head cut off if it is true you will be hung". What statement will save your life?
Have a snow fight
Men have become the tools of their tools.
A man lived on the 20th floor of a block of apartments. Everyday he would enter the elevator and go down to the ground floor and go to work. When he comes back, if it is raining, then he would go straight to the 20th floor in the elevator, but if it is sunny, then he would only go to the 10th floor and walk the stairs for the rest of the way. Why does he do it?
Spend at least a month biking or walking around a country
Just imagine, you are in a row boat that is sinking.There is nothing but you and the boat.There are sharks surrounding you.What do you do?
To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess.
Why was Farmer Bob so good at his job? Because he was outstanding in his field
Is anyone serious about the politics of happiness? David Cameron dipped a toe in the water, using the word lightly, but denying the hard policies it implies. Labour shies away from it, but should take up the challenge.
when I am in am unuseful.When i am out I am useful. what am I??
When we, through our educational culture, through the media, through the entertainment culture, give our children the impression that human beings cannot control their passions, we are telling them, in effect, that human beings cannot be trusted with freedom.
If a man dies, on which side of the Mississippi River do you bury him? (do not add to the question; do not make assumptions; stay within the framwork of the given material).
To change what you get you must change who you are.
I am one in a year, twice in a week, and once in a century. What am I???
I would fix other people's lines if they asked me on occasion. The hard part of writing is the architecture of it, getting the story and structuring it. Not the tweaking of lines.
What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter? "Quack, quack, quack."
I don't believe we are supposed to go through life defeated and not having enough money to pay our bills or send our kids to college.
What has lots of holes but still holds water ?
It was an interesting question as to whether the BBC had a future in the digital world, and what form of market failure could justify the licence fee system.
We manage the fear, I manage the fear, but it certainly takes its toll, the strain does.
How do you wake up dead?
If I'm on location on some island, we usually get up at four in the morning to set up. By seven thirty, we're on the beach working until noon, then we rest. It's not exactly a vacation.
What did Dracula send when he was invented to a Halloween bash?
Expect the best. Prepare for the worst. Capitalize on what comes.
Obviously, our children, who have been playing with their computers since the age of five or six, don't have quite the same brain as those who were brought up on wooden or metal toys, whose brains are certainly atrophied by comparison.
Love, hope, fear, faith - these make humanity These are its sign and note and character.
What killed the guy ordering at an Italian restaurant? He'd had trouble deciding to go with the appetizers or entrees, but eventually he went antipasto way.
Most of the southern hemisphere is unexplored. We had more exploration ships down there during Captain Cook's time than now. It's amazing.
Any man who has had the job I've had and didn't have a sense of humor wouldn't still be here.
Most schools have only a microwave or deep fryer, hardly the tools needed to feed our children real, fresh food.
What do you call a slice of bread from another country? An immigraint.
I'm as big as an elephant, but lighter than a feather. What am I?
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
I remember, when I was an up-and-coming comic, how annoyed I would be when the famous guys would show up and just take everyone's spots.
i am as lighter than the wind i wear black and you cant see me at night time
Property may be destroyed and money may lose its purchasing power but, character, health, knowledge and good judgement will always be in demand under all conditions.
In live action movies, you just hope that everything works. Because the actor may had a bad morning and doesn't play good, or accidents happen continuously. Many things contradict what you are trying to say. But in cartoons, nothing contradict what you want to say.
I am walking threw the woods. i see a can. i look inside the window. i see a man. he is dead, how did he die.
Humor is healing.
There once was a girl who was sitting in her house one day and looked up and saw a hole in the celing....She then herd foot~steps from the celing.She saw a shadow, big and bold.Who was the shadow?
Which cheese is the loneliest? Prov-alone!
I'm going to do a lot of weird stuff that's not going to be like me prancing around like an insane 12-year-old. I showed everybody that side of me and I think it's time to do different stuff, even when it comes down to the type of humor. I want to do some drier, weirder stuff.
A man was found murdered on Sunday morning. His wife immediately called the police. The police questioned the wife and staff and got these alibis: The Wife said she was sleeping. The Cook was cooking breakfast. The Gardener was picking vegetables. The Maid was getting the mail. The Butler was cleaning the closet The police instantly arrested the murderer. Who did it and how did they know?
That's the beauty of being a comedian - it's the one job you're allowed to do that. We're lucky. We're really lucky.
there are ten men and ten oranges. each took 1, how many are left?