Chess is the most elaborate waste of human intelligence outside of an advertising agency.
What comes up but never comes down?
I think it's unfortunate that there exists only one path in America to complete social legitimacy, and that is marriage. I think, for instance, that it would be far easier for Americans to elect a black president or a female president than an unmarried president.
A 16-year-old boy was driving a moped down a one-way street in the wrong direction. A policeman stopped him and gave him a ticket. The policeman paid the ticket himself. What is a logical explanation for this?
What do you call a Mexican with crazy intentions? A locomotive!
The best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them up.
Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one *tale*
I can't imagine dating a boy, meeting him only outside the home. What's a home and family for if it's not the center of one's life?
Why are there no midget accountants? They always come up short.
You are in an antique store. How do you get out?
As the President reviewed the state of the union and unveiled his second-term agenda, he fell short of adequately explaining how he intends to set America back on the course of fiscal responsibility and secure the fiscal health of the nation.
This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.
What do poor people have. Rich people need. Something a man fears more then the devil. And what a person takes to their grave.
Why did the rap battle champion get the most spacious and accessible seat on the bus? Because of his dis-ability.
You always want to quit while you are ahead. You don't want to be like a fighter who stays too long in the ring until you're not performing at your best.
A man in his car was shoot, there are no bullet holes in the car, windows are up doors are locked how did the man get shoot.
I work on OpenBSD fulltime, as the project leader. I set some directions, increase communication between the developers, and try to be involved in nearly every aspect of the base system.
Bathe in natural hot springs
YOUR IN A ROOM THERES NO DOORS OR WINDOWS HOW DO YOU GET OUT?
I farted on an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
My brother Bob doesn't want to be in government - he promised Dad he'd go straight.
What os spelled the same as it is frontwards as it iss backwards and is atype of car?
What did the apple say to the pear? [Man, go] away!
If a guy is skilled at anything, that's attractive. There's something very primal about that and, sure, it can be as simple as figuring out the tip quickly. It's really cool when a guy tips 20 percent quickly and effortlessly so that when the check comes, he opens it and signs his name and done.
Form follows profit is the aesthetic principle of our times.
When flipped the opposite I appear the same but have a complete different name and meaning, what am I?
What do you call a cow with only two legs? Lean Beef!
At his best, man is the noblest of all animals separated from law and justice he is the worst.
Attend a mass at St. Peter’s
A man rides to town on Friday, stays there for two days and returns on Friday. How is this possible?
Drive Big Sur
Amateur astronomy
there were three friends ASHISH , VINAY and KARAN . Three of them went to have a wada pav in thier friends 4 star hotel . thier friends name was sagar.each wada pav was rs 10, each of them paid 10 rs note .WHEN SAGAR SAW THREE OF THEM .hE felt very happy and gave 5 rs to veter and said to him that u give some rs to each of my friends and some rs are for u out of rs 5 veter took rs 2 and gave 1 rs to each of them, for threee friends each wada pav became 9 rs hence threes total bill = 9 multiplied by 3 27 rs hence bill for three 27 27 rs they paid, 2 rs is to veter and were is 1 rs out of 30 rs
Without feelings of respect, what is there to distinguish men from beasts?
A guy walks into a bar. Ouch.
Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage.
Watching movies
Participate in Portland’s Naked Bike Ride
First time, 'twas the season, Second reason, 'twas the weather, Third excuse, I had to leave, For 'twas the end of time! What am I?
I learn from experience.
there are battleships shooting bombs at each other. how do you get through?
A good head and a good heart are always a formidable combination.
What do ducks do at Christmas time? They ducker-ate cookies.
I'm kind of a good girl - and I'm not. I'm a good girl because I really believe in love, integrity, and respect. I'm a bad girl because I like to tease. I know that I have sex appeal in my deck of cards. But I like to get people thinking. That's what the stories in my music do.
There were 12 pears hanging by. 12 men were riding by. Eachman took one. How many were left?
Did you hear about the farmer that fell into the field machine and lost half his body? He's all right now!
A woman can take care of the family. It takes a man to provide structure, to provide stability.
what is white on the inside brown on the outside and has eyes all over?
Medical research in the twentieth century mostly takes place in the lab in the Renaissance, though, researchers went first and foremost to the library to see what the ancients had said.
theres a pipe a carrot and a button that fell to the ground.what had happen?
foood s nice wit uda foood so wat wud u do if poo was foood?
See a tiger in the wild
Now I'm way into suits that I can put on whether I took a shower or not, and wear barefoot and paint my toes black or whatever color the suit is. It's very cool to wear suits like that. Roll up the sleeves and just say yee-haw.
Ignorance is the curse of God knowledge is the wing wherewith we fly to heaven.
I hope for nothing. I fear nothing. I am free.
I am a girl, but I am a boy as well. What am I?
Ride a horse along the beach
Why did tomato blush? because it saw the salad dressing
how can a man born in 1539 be turning 18 today?
Human freedom involves our capacity to pause, to choose the one response toward which we wish to throw our weight.
The game of history is usually played by the best and the worst over the heads of the majority in the middle.
What happens once in a minute, twice in a moment and none in a second?
In the name of Hypocrites, doctors have invented the most exquisite form of torture ever known to man: survival.
A Father and his son are driving to the store during a rain storm. At some point the father loses control and swerves off the side of the road without hitting any other person/vehicle. The father is able to walk away with just a few bruises, but the boy need's to be rushed to the hopsital. While at the hospital, the boy's father is told by nurses that his son is going to the operating room for necessary surgery. While in the operating room- the Doctor says, "I can not do this operation." The nurses ask why and the Doctor replies, "Because this boy is my son!" How can this be if the boy's biological father is in he waiting room?
I don't know how to depict intelligence.
I'm usually slimmy and sticky, Soft but bummpy, Bright and dull, I love to eat what bugs me and sometimes I live in a hole......what am I?
Visit the White Cliffs of Dover
To dare to live alone is the rarest courage since there are many who had rather meet their bitterest enemy in the field, than their own hearts in their closet.
what is it each time you take from it it grows up
What did one computer CPU say to the other after getting hit? Ow! That megahertz!
thirty-six white horses on a red hill. First they champ, then they champ, then they stand still. What are they?
The science of politics is the one science that is deposited by the streams of history, like the grains of gold in the sand of a river and the knowledge of the past, the record of truths revealed by experience, is eminently practical, as an instrument of action and a power that goes to making the future.
What does a hawk call a high ledge? A *falcony!*
What did one math book say toanother?
Alas! if the principles of contentment are not within us, the height of station and worldly grandeur will as soon add a cubit to a man's stature as to his happiness.
A boy Was Born In 1955 he just had his 18th birth day today how did that happen
My friend says she's doing good but she means well
If one train is going 206mph and the other 305mph which one will get to Cuba first?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
See a bear in the wild
What does a can of tuna say? Premium flaked tuna Best before dd/mm/yy
The lure of the distant and the difficult is deceptive. The great opportunity is where you are.
What size do a very large egg wear?
It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
How many Elephants can you fit into a compact car?
The poor have it,the rich need it,but if one of them eats it he dies...? a)anything b) food c)sex d)nothing e)money
I don't want to discredit people's individuality, but I think people are pretty much the same. People are very similar. If you have a good enough imagination then you can feel things that you personally have never done before. That's acting.
In these times, God's people must trust him for rest of body and soul.
what came first the chicken or the egg
A well-spent day brings happy sleep.
Back in the mid-1970s, we adopted some fairly ambitious goals to improve efficiency of our cars. What did we get? We got a tremendous boost in efficiency.
I emphasize self-esteem, self-confidence, and dignity, not as an ideal, but as a real test of community organization. Without leadership development, community organizations do not have staying power.
Walk through Central Park
what has teeth and can't bite?
Well may the boldest fear and the wisest tremble when incurring responsibilities on which may depend our country's peace and prosperity, and in some degree the hopes and happiness of the whole human family.
What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
Every song I put on a record could be a single and I just pack my bags for it... and the minute it takes off, I'm not gonna be home for a while.
aliens capture you and go to get supplies to kill you. there are guards at every door in the saucer. how do you escape without being seen?
An important aspect of the current situation is the strong social reaction against suggestions that the home language of African American children be used in the first steps of learning to read and write.
which word when pronounced right is wrong and when pronounced wrong is right?
What did the green light say to the red light? I love you, but I'm sick of yellow light always breaking us up.
In the Europe which was created by the Second World War, divided into two blocks, each in need of a revolution that would end the abuses and injustices of capitalism and the privileges of a bureaucratic caste, collective faith does not exist.
When the child place his school books on the television after he returned from school what was his plan?
That's the trouble with being me. At this point, nobody gives a damn what my problem is. I could literally have a tumor on the side of my head and they'd be like, 'Yeah, big deal. I'd eat a tumor every morning for the kinda money you're pulling down.'
What's something a builder builds, a buyer buys, but doesn't use, something the user uses, but doesn't know he/she uses?
Pushing production out of America to nations without our environmental standards increases global environmental risks.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
My mom's discipline worked out perfectly. I wouldn't change a thing.
I start with T, I end with T, I'm full of T. What am I?
During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage.
Backpack in South America
What do cows do for fun? They go to the mooooo-vies.
The best books for a man are not always those which the wise recommend, but often those which meet the peculiar wants, the natural thirst of his mind, and therefore awaken interest and rivet thought.
There is a janitor that works at a 100 floor skyscraper. Every day he starts by cleaning the 100th floor. On sunny days the janitor goes up the first 50 floors on the elivator and the next 50 floors on the stairs. On rainy days he goes up all 100 floors on the elevator.....Why is this?