You are in a mettle box with only a mirror and a table. So how do you get out.
There is something great and terrible about suicide.
I have frequently been questioned, especially by women, of how I could reconcile family life with a scientific career. Well, it has not been easy.
You have one red and one green marble. Put them in a tube. What color marble is visible on top?
What did one nose say when the other nose said "I love you"? "Back achoo!"
In her whole life Mom never earned more than five or six dollars a week. Being without a husband, it was hard for her to find any place at all for us to live.
A rich man was laying on his death bed. He didn't want to leave his monye for his mife so he gave his doctor $30,000, his laywer $30,000, and his banker $30,000. He told each of these men to put the money in his casket when he dies. At the funreal the doctor asks the banker,"Did you put your money in the casket?". The banker replys,"Yes, you". "Yes I did", says the doctor. So they go and ask the laywer. He says," Yes". But he is $30,000 richer how is this possible?
What did papa butter say to troublesome son butter? You had *butter* behave now, alright son? I sure know you don't want to get *whipped*!
In the British Special Air Service, combat fitness is all about running.
How much do pirates pay for earrings? about a buck an ear.
People are at their happiest if they are true to themselves. I think that applies to their chosen profession, friends and relationships. It goes for your health too. If you are true to yourself, it seems to me everything should work out pretty well.
You can sell this but you cannot buy it. Without this you are lost, though ascetics deny it.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape? "Breathe you idiot! Breathe!"
Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.
Freedom is a possession of inestimable value.
what are the group of sheephunters also known as?
Elves are cool, man.
In forty-nine, forty-nine cars came by boat to ride the rails in thanks. Name this phenomenon.
Two artists had an art contest... It ended in a draw
I don't care what other critics say, I only hope to be played.
Eat a Philly cheese steak in Philadelphia
A duck is swimming in a lake. A cat is sitting in her tail. If the duck dives, what happens to the cat?
Why did Woodrow Wilson take a long time to turn around? Because he could only make 14 point turns.
It is common knowledge that smoking is considered one of the nation's leading causes of preventable death, but it's less widely known that cigarettes are also the leading cause of fatal fires.
Yo Momma is so fat she fell and ate a red book. How is that so?
We always bought our cars used, this one was as black as the night- -that is, until we washed it!!!
I've never mentioned this, but when I was at Parsons teaching, the other design disciplines, they don't like fashion design. They see it as very nineteenth-century.
2 sisters are we one dark one fair put together we are a loveley pair. One from the land and one from the sea please someone tell us who are we?
You can live your whole life in your brain and not experience what's around you. You go crazy that way.
If you had only one match and entered a room in which there was a kerosene lamp, an oil heater, and a woodburning stove, which would you light first?
Half a man's wisdom goes with his courage.
Visit Siberia
there was a 17 year boy . he waas driving the wrong way in a one way a police man stop him and gave him a ticket at the end the police payed the ticket
How do you kill bread? Bake it for a little while, and it will be toast.
So far, 44 States, or 88 percent of the States, have enacted laws providing that marriage shall consist of a union between a man and a woman. Only 75 percent of the States are required to approve a constitutional amendment.
Host a ridiculously big party
The Internet is just bringing all kinds of information into the home. There's just a lot of distraction, a lot of competition for the parent's voice to resonate in the children's ears.
A cowboy set out on Friday stayed out for three days and came back on Friday. How did he do it?
To look and feel my best, I watch my calories and exercise.
Explore a mirror maze
The strangest, most generous, and proudest of all virtues is true courage.
What has a bottom at the top?
A great city is that which has the greatest men and women.
There is a dead man in the center of a field. He carried with him an unopened package. As he neared the center of the field, he knew he was going to die. How did he know he was going to die?
What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny.
Perhaps, all writers walk such a line. In general - as we all do in our dreams - I believe I put something of myself into all the characters in my novels, male as well as female.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a cow? A stern rebuke from the Ethics Committee, and an immediate cessation of funding.
When you look good, you feel good. Confidence with what you're wearing is very important. If you feel good, you will always perform your best without worrying about anything.
A black dog stands in the middle of an intersecton in a town painted black. None of the street lights are working due to a power failure caused by a storm. A car with two broken headlights drives towards the dog but turns in time to avoid hitting him. How could the driver have seen the dog in time?
Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away that's the deal.
which township doesnt know where its going.
What did the pony say when he had a sore throat? Pardon me, I'm just a little hoarse.
My Vegas act is how I make my money.
You use a knife to slice my head and weep beside me when I'm dead what am I?
It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
There is a man lying dead in a corn field with an empty box, there are no footprints anywhere, how did he get there?
What happened to the butched after he backed into the meat grinder? he got a little "behind" in his work
Did someone say "purple"? Sorry, it must have been a pigment of my imagination!
When you hire that first person, then you're a boss. You've got performance reviews. You've got complaints about not making enough money. You've got people who are just going to sell your story to the tabloids.
A boy was at a carnival and went to a booth where a man said to the boy, "If I write your exact weight on this piece of paper then you have to give me $50, but if I cannot, I will pay you $50." The boy looked around and saw no scale so he agrees, thinking no matter what the carny writes he'll just say he weighs more or less. In the end the boy ended up paying the man $50. How did the man win the bet?
Walk along the Walk of Fame in Los Angeles
Shall I tell you the joke about the body snatchers? Best not, you might get carried away.
I was impressed by Hendrix. Not so much by his playing, as his attitude - he wasn't a great player, but everything else about him was brilliant.
How can you find out what I like and dislike? I like running but not walking. I like trees but not nature. I like books but not magizines. I like football but not rugby?
My greatest fear is feeling like a professional novelist. Somebody who creates characters, who sits down and has pieces of paper taped to the wall - what's going to happen in this scene, or this act. What I like is for it to be a much more scary, sloppy reflection of who I am.
There are 6 birds in a tree n one gets shot. How many are left?
Attend Wimbledon
I've made movies that I thought were good. I've made movies that I thought were okay, but then I was very good. And sometimes you're in a movie and you think, I wish more people saw that - because you're good. And it just works out that the movie gets lost. But that's show business.
I had actually been on tour in Japan and I had my own world tour that I was doing. I was used to doing a show for an hour, so I was always learning choreography.
Two brothers walk into a bar and start to order a drinks. One of the brothers get into a fight with the bartender. The other says dont dont do it but the he dont listen and stabbes the bartender and kills him. They both get arrested and both sent to court but the judge says I know you killed the bartender but I can not send you to prison. why cant he go to prison
Never contract friendship with a man that is not better than thyself.
What is your dads moms grandmas great great grand child
What do you call a black and white bird that can't win, nor fly. A peng-lose.
Rhetoric is the art of ruling the minds of men.
If you have two coins which total 35 cents and one of the coins is not a dime, what are the two coins?
Make breakfast in bed for a significant other
What is ISIS's favourite dessert? Terrormisu
Everybody kind of perceives me as being angry. It's not anger, it's motivation.
I throw away the outside and cook the inside i then eat the outside and throw away the inside what did i eat
Little islands of human happiness, peace, and prosperity are so exceptional at this point in history that I'm not even sure we can draw lessons from them.
How does the farmer count up his cows? ...with a cowculator.
Failure is an enigma. You worry about it, and it teaches you something.
Where do you buy Pikmin from? The Oli-Mart
The cause of justice is the cause of humanity. Its advocates should overflow with universal good will. We should love this cause, for it conduces to the general happiness of mankind.
Visit Yellowstone
On a royal birthday every house must fly a flag, or the owner would be dragged to a police station and be fined twenty-five rubles.
What did the famous musician say the moment he was born? *I'LL BE BACH*
Almost all Iraqis with any previous experience in the intelligence business are Sunni Arab, increasing the risk of penetration of the new intelligence apparatus by the insurgency.
What runs, but never walks. Has a mouth, but never talks?
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
if a rooster layed an egg on a fence, which way would it roll off?
The government deficit is the difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect.
What is dry going in, wet going out and satisfies two people?
What electronic device leaves behind a lot of broken glass? A PC, seeing how they typically run Windows!
The motto of chivalry is also the motto of wisdom to serve all, but love only one.
A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.
Why did the cowgirl name her pony ink? Because it kept running out of the pen!
I make personal appearances around the country. I'm starting a book tour now, and I may be coming to Toronto with the Learning Annex, which I'm doing all through the United States, so that may come up just before Christmas.
Why did the Wise Man get 25 to life? Myrrhder
Did perpetual happiness in the Garden of Eden maybe get so boring that eating the apple was justified?
Which table is there in the kitchen always?
But Apple really beats to a different drummer. I used to say that Apple should be the Sony of this business, but in reality, I think Apple should be the Apple of this business.
A man moved into a new house and decided he was tired after the journey and turned of all the lights and went to bed. The next morning he had killed 365 people how could this be? he does not sleep walk he slept like a baby
Feminism's agenda is basic: It asks that women not be forced to choose between public justice and private happiness.
Hold a fancy dinner party
a cool treet that we can eat in summer
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
A train runs exactly on the border of Canada and the United States. The train crashes. Where do they bury the survivors?
I've never looked forward to a birthday like I'm looking forward to my new daughter's birthday, because two days after that is when I can apply for reinstatement.
A skeleton walks into a bar The bartender says, what will you have? Skeleton says, a beer... and a mop
i'm a five letter word and i'm also a fruit. If u remove the first letter I've committed a crime. If u remove the second letter i'm a ugly animal. If u remove the third i become abbrevation for a subject we take in school. Who am I?