Jon Stewart hires people that he thinks are funny. That's it. That's the only requirement.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
You ride a donkey across a bridge, on Wednesday. 24 hours later you ride the same donkey back across the same bridge, on Wednesday. HOw can that be?
How much did the skeleton charge for his excellent legal services? An arm and a leg.
Being black is not a matter of pigmentation - being black is a reflection of a mental attitude.
The ages of a father and son add up to 66. The father's age is the son's age reversed. How old could they be? (3 possible solutions).
Web users ultimately want to get at data quickly and easily. They don't care as much about attractive sites and pretty design.
count the numbers on my face you won't find 13 any place? What am i
The process of making natural history films is to try to prevent the animal knowing you are there, so you get glimpses of a non-human world, and that is a transporting thing.
Graffiti
aboy goes to the school he goes to the zoo after school he buy pizza and he makes money how did he make money
When I was younger, I was terrified to express anger because it would often kick-start a horrible reaction in the men in my life. So I bit my tongue. I was left to painstakingly deal with the aftermath of my avoidance later in life, in therapy or through the lyrics of my songs.
Have a charicature of me drawn
what has Eyes that cannot see a tongue that cannot taste and a soul that cannot die??
I'm learning to embrace who I am and what I look like.
Attend a live EPL game
what is hot when youu put in the refrigerator and when it comes out it is still hot?
Defense is a definite part of the game, and a great part of defense is learning to play it without fouling.
Visit Mont Saint-Michel
There was a cowboy going to town. He started on Tuesday and came back 2 days later. what day is he on?
The differences between friends cannot but reinforce their friendship.
My bottom is very large, my top is small, and I have ears.
We of Africa protest that, in this day and age, we should continue to be treated as lesser human beings than other races.
Romio and Juiliet were in there house. and suddenly a huge gust of wind swept through the window. Later on that day the housekeeper came home and fainted she had seen them both on the floor dead. No blood not cuts full health not starving perfectly fine but dead the only thing that was open was the window they were looking out.
I have reached the conclusion that those who have physical courage also have moral courage. Physical courage is a great test.
Education begins at home and I applaud the parents who recognize that they - not someone else - must take responsibility to assure that their children are well educated.
Eat blue crab in Maryland
what can you feel but you can not see!
I think your whole life shows in your face and you should be proud of that.
Keep a good attitude and do the right thing even when it's hard. When you do that you are passing the test. And God promises you your marked moments are on their way.
You are on an island in the middle of a lake. The lake is in a remote part of the country and there has never been a bridge connecting the island to the mainland. Every day a tractor and wagon gives hay rides around the island. Puzzled as to how the tractor had gotten onto the island, you ask around and find out that the tractor was not transported to the island by boat or by air. Nor was it built on the island. Explain how the tractor got there?
Sculpture is the art of the intelligence.
I was a hyper kid in school and the teacher suggested to my mom she needed to do something with me.
You watch yourself age and it's hard to feel like a sex symbol.
You are in a room filled with 100% gas. You have a match in your hand. What happens when you strike the match?
Dinosaurs was a cool idea, but we just couldn't find a way to make it really fun. We've got a bunch of great game ideas that we want to bring to life over the next several years.
What is black, has a mowhawk, and yells Ah Piteedafoo!?
The failure of the Russian Socialist Republic will be the defeat of the proletariat of the whole world.
A man and his son were on a tour of an atomic power plant. In the control room, the boy asked if he could see the controls for the reactor core. The head physicist said yes, and explained how the controls worked. After the boy left, the head physicist turned to an assistant and said, "That was my son." How could that be?
Meth is too easy to make, and unfortunately right now all the ingredients need to make this highly addictive drug are legal and readily available to those who want to cook it up and sell it to our children.
Why are televisions attracted to people?
a girl went over to the u.s on the 4th of july and partyed for 3 days and came back on the 4th of july . how did she do that ?
I slept for four years. I didn't study much of anything. I majored in something called communication arts.
Visit the Playa de las Catedrales
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
I think there is a great deal of interest still in the Christian faith.
you can serve but never eat
Save an animal’s life
To really be centered and to really work well and to think about the kinds of things that I need to think about, I need to spend large amounts of time alone.
What has a bottom but can't sit ?
Love is the greatest refreshment in life.
Illuminate through open space, Obscure the way again. Brass and iron yield at touch, the instruments of men. I pledge my body, only you, The one with whom I lie. But loyalty is fleeting, sir, No hand may I deny. For I am but a single half, Though more of me may spin. Exit, enter, pirouette, So you might step within.
Why are bears so hairy ? They don't have salons in the jungle !
Having my first number one single and being able to travel to places I've never been before has been amazing. The tour was also fantastic. There are so many things which I've experienced this year which I never even dreamed of.
I'm a military kid, both parents in the military - Mom did 12 years, Dad did 21, served in two wars. So discipline is something that was huge.
What did the telephone operator give his wife on their wedding aniversary?
Motor sports
Which word, if pronounced right, is wrong, but if pronounced wrong is right?
Every Indian outbreak that I have ever known has resulted from broken promises and broken treaties by the government.
Float in the Dead Sea
If I had to choose between betraying my country and betraying my friend, I hope I should have the guts to betray my country.
I hear that in Star Wars VIII they're going to introduce Han's perpetually depressed younger brother. His name is Y Solo.
You are eating. You are washing the plates. You are giving sala. You are driving. You are catching the ball.
Best to live lightly, unthinkingly.
Visit Abu Simbel
Alive without breath, As cold as death; Never thirsty, ever drinking, All in mail never clinking.
Dreams can become a reality when we possess a vision that is characterized by the willingness to work hard, a desire for excellence, and a belief in our right and our responsiblity to be equal members of society.
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer... I said, No, wait! I can change!
When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard.
The beginning of eternity. The end of time and space. The beginning of every end. And the end of every place. I am all these things. What am I?
Most people who are selling their mineral rights, this is a once-in-a-lifetime transaction. The people who are buying, the landmen who are coming in, do it every day. So there's a little inequity there about knowledge.
There's nobody in the business strong enough to scare me.
We need to rediscover the idea of the common good and work together to build a home.
You are feeling cold. What do you light first: the candle, lamp, furnace or match?
dived 30 by 1/2 and add 10. what is the answer.
Jim Thorpe is someone I've always loved. He was an Olympic athlete, you know, and a football player from back in the day. I'd love to play him. And then there's a guy called Iceman who was a top hit man for the mob. I would love to play him. Actually, it's sort of in the works, so I hope it goes through.
I don't think I would have been able to stick with it and been proud of who I am and be feminine out on the court. I think I would have folded to the peer pressure if I didn't have my mom to encourage me to be me and be proud of how tall I am.
thirty white horses on a red hill; first they champ; then they stamp; then they stand still?
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
How do cats shop?
What do you call a dinosaur FBI agent? A pteredacted.
My daddy, Rev. A. D. King, my granddaddy, Martin Luther King, Senior - we are a family of faith, hope and love.
Zumba
Have a lover 10 years my junior
what's black when it's clean and white when it's dirty?
Want to hear a joke about pizza? Never mind, it's probably too cheesy.
Visit Leap’s Castle
What 7 letter word becomes longer when the third letter is removed?
Why did Mrs. Grape leave Mr. Grape? She was tired of raisin kids.
Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.
A father and a son get in in a crash and go to two different hospitals. When they are about to operate on the boy the doctor says I can't operate this person is my son who is the person?
The joy of life consists in the exercise of one's energies, continual growth, constant change, the enjoyment of every new experience. To stop means simply to die. The eternal mistake of mankind is to set up an attainable ideal.
hay. you ar joe. Who are u. you ar net a gurl. you are boy. who r you?
Why couldn't the pony sing? He was a little horse.
Dirty Rotten Scoundrels' is a good one because it not only turned out, I think, to be a really funny movie but it was also a delight to shoot. We were in the South of France, working with Glenne Headly and Michael Caine and Frank Oz the director - who were just fun.;Steve Martin;funny 25997;You need to be silly to be funny.;William Shatner;funny 25998;You know how old I am? I'm so old, I remember when Letterman used to be funny and it was presidents who were serious. That's how old I am.;Rush Limbaugh;funny 25999;In my circle of friends, I've always been loud and funny and talkative. But as soon as I step out of that circle, I get very quiet and introspective. I don't want the spotlight on me.;Rosie Perez;funny 26000;I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It's just funny.;Taylor Swift;funny 26001;Sixth grade was a big time, in my childhood, of hoops and friendship, and coming up with funny t...
The one thing you've got to say about Columbia is that it has courses that are famous. It has alumni who come back and say it was the best thing they ever did.
Often talked of, never seen, ever coming, never been, Daily looked for, never here, still approaching, coming near. Thousands for it's visit wait But alas for their fate, Though they expect me to appear, They will never find me here.
Why doesn't the sun need to go to University? He's too bright.
Life is essentially a cheat and its conditions are those of defeat the redeeming things are not happiness and pleasure but the deeper satisfactions that come out of struggle.
First think of the person who lives in disguise Who deals in secrets and tells naught but lies. Next tell me whats always the last thing to mend The middle of middle and end of end? And finally give me the sound often heard During the search for a hard to find word now string them together and answer me this, which creature would you be unwilling to kiss?
I feel beautiful when I'm at peace with myself. When I'm serene, when I'm a good person, when I've been considerate of others.
Attend a high school reunion
At the sound of me, men may dream, Or stamp their feet. At the sound of me, women may laugh, Or sometimes weep.
What haircut did the Texan barber recommend when asked? He couldn't think of anything, and said "I'll mullet over"
I like the idea of dating, but I'm not dating anyone exclusively, particularly right now. It's hard to be in a relationship unless you're ready to go public with it. So it's a lot easier for me to not be in a relationship. I really don't want that part of my life to be tabloid fodder.
ok a museum has a super rare diamond in a crystal casing tide on a rpoe tide to the ceiling . to steal the diamond u would need a knife right. but u ccant get a knife into the mesueum bedcuz there is a person with a metal detector. one day a guy walks in , cuts the rope, and steals the diamond. at the end there was a pudddle of water o the fllor. HOW DID HE CUT THE ROPE??
There is something in the pang of change More than the heart can bear, Unhappiness remembering happiness.
I am in chocolate, and also healthy. I am in your face, and am at the end of space. I am in everything! What am I?
I think guitar is the best thing in the world.
The higher I climb, the hotter I engage, I can not escape my crystal cage. What am I?