So in my freshman year at the University of Alabama, learning the literature on evolution, what was known about it biologically, just gradually transformed me by taking me out of literalism and increasingly into a more secular, scientific view of the world.
A women shot all the monkys at the zoo, everybody saw him but nobody did anything did anything about it. Why?
A family on the throne is an interesting idea. It brings down the pride of sovereignty to the level of petty life.
To fall in love is to create a religion that has a fallible god.
Attend a live ESL game
He was afraid to go home because of the man in the mask. Who is the man in the mask?
We have to realize only in communication, in real knowledge, in real reaching out, can there be an understanding that there's humanity everywhere, and that's what I'm trying to do.
The one thing that kept our family together was the music. The only thing that our family would share emotionally was to have our dad cry over something the kids did with music.
forwards its heavy, backwards its not
Everyone dreams, but not everybody remembers their dreams because some people go into delta they go too low.
A boy was at a carnival and went to a booth where a man said to the boy, "If I write your exact weight on this piece of paper then you have to give me $50, but if I cannot, I will pay you $50." The boy looked around and saw no scale so he agrees, thinking no matter what the carny writes he'll just say he weighs more or less. In the end the boy ended up paying the man $50. How did the man win the bet?
I was with a famous comedian when a young fan walked up and asked for an autograph. The comedian blew him off. I'll never forget the look on the young boy's face. He was devastated.
Pete repete was on a boat. Pete repete fell off. Who is left?
I dated a guy and he liked me but I didn't like him. I went through his wardrobe and cleaned out his house and got him to get a new car. He said to me, 'If I give you $10,000, will you find me my wife because I want someone like you?' And within a year, he got married. That was the first match that led to me leaving my corporate job.
What can go up a chimney down But not down a chimney up.
But I'm blessed to work with great people. I collaborate with brilliant stylists both here and in Paris. I work with a great design team. I really allow everyone to bring their ideas. I almost rely on them to inspire me.
A man robbed thousand billion dollars from a big bank .All the police and detectives came and investigated . Acording to the clues laid three men named rob ,jake ,sonny were suspected. yet they found that sonny was the criminal . How?
The problem is when that fun stuff becomes the habit. And I think that's what's happened in our culture. Fast food has become the everyday meal.
eight and five last name and given, we are one six six six even, first in the cow, last in the oxen, three in damsel, three in vixen. what are we called
Folks, the most insidious part of this whole health care scheme is that all of these vast medical expenditures will become nothing more than government budget items. We individuals will no longer exist. The relationship between a government and citizen will change forever.
Secretary of State Colin Powell, thank you so much, as always, for joining us this morning.
Stay in a capsule hotel
I am black, white, and red all over. What am I?
My dad knows how to tell a story. He'd make me laugh by doing all the different voices.
There is a band that just started out. The band's drummer was the oldest in the band, but also the youngest. If this is not a one-man band, then how is this true?
We have seen too much success to have become obsessed with failure.
it cannot be seen,cannot be felt, cannot be heard,cannot be smelt. it lies behind stars and under hills, and empty holes it fills. it comes first and follows after, ends life,kills laughter
Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.
I was used all the way back in B.C. and I,m still used the same way now. What am I?
The Word of fire burns today On the lips of our prophets in an evil age.
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In my family, we let our boys have a say in what veggie side they want for dinner that night. We list off a handful of options and get them excited about helping to plan the dinner menu. They're much more inclined to finish their plates when they've helped decide what goes on them.
My face is as pale as the fresh winter snow. Yet I have tattoo's all over my face. I stand as tall as a man, yet i have no feet to stand on. I have two appendages, but they aren't good for picking anything up. Sometimes I also like to yell, maybe bells, one thru twelve. What am I?
I'm hoping someday that some kid, black or white, will hit more home runs than myself. Whoever it is, I'd be pulling for him.
Arnold schwartznegger has a big one Michal J.fox has a small one Madonna doesnt have one the pope has one but doesnt use it Clinton uses it all the time WHAT DO U THINK IT IS???
Four hours of prosthetics every morning, the jowls and the nose, and it was very hot so they're having to attend to it all day, and you're still petrified of so many things, such as, can I speak properly? Hitchcock never quite lost those East End vowels, even though he had the softened California consonants.
He was born in 1955, and today was his 18th birthday. how is that
From my first dunk at 14 years old to my second NCAA Championship at the University of Tennessee, my intense training with my dad was always to credit.
A man is lying down on a railway track with a train coming towards him, the moon is not out and the train has no lights, how does the driver see him?
My father was a Catholic, but my mother wasn't. She had to do that weird deal you do as a Catholic - they deign to sanction your marriage and you have to bring your children up as Catholics.
What goes up and down and never move?
I'm taking a lot of my favorite artists, different people, my favorite music and marrying that with what I do as a comic. It's very collaborative, arty, fun and cool.
randy=
My mother was told she couldn't go to medical school because she was a woman and a Jew. So she became a teacher in the New York City public school system.
How does a fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales!
In a small town, one of the laws is that a man is not allowed to shave himself. Only a licenced barber can shave a man. There is only one barber in this town. Who shaves the barber?
You want to keep intelligence separate from policy.
What can be seen with the naked eye? Weighs nothing? And if you put it in a barrel, it'll make the barrel lighter?
I want to get old gracefully. I want to have good posture, I want to be healthy and be an example to my children.
what goes up a drainpipe down, but not down a drainpipe up?
For all of nature's wonder and beauty, it is also hostile and unpredictable.
Two sentries were on duty outside a barracks. One faced up the road to watch for anyone approaching from the North. The other looked down the road to see if anyone approached from the South. Suddenly one of them said to the other, "Why are you smiling?" How did he know that his companion was smiling?
Peter Rabbit was starving! He came to a farmer's lettuce garden but it was surrounded by a picket fence. Peter knew he must eat soon or he would die. He could barely fit through the fence in his present condition and he knew that if he entered and ate the lettuce he would be unable to fit back through the fence. If the farmer happened to come by he could not escape. The lettuce was too large too fit through the fence. How could Peter eat the lettuce and still manage to escape if the need arose?
However glorious an action in itself, it ought not to pass for great if it be not the effect of wisdom and intention.
God... a being whose only definition is that he is beyond man's power to conceive.
I think the Hispanic community, the values that resonate in our community, are fundamentally conservative. They are faith, family, patriotism.
You are in a room with a big bomb with only minutes to live and candy every where what do you do
What did the 8 say to the 0? Hey, fatty
Each sudden gust of light explains itself as flames, but neither they, nor even bombs redoubled on the hills tonight can quite include me in their fear.
What is my name if it has no letters, what is my game if it has no rules, what is so lame that i cant even talk.
We had two rules growing up in my house: If you're going to take a shower, do it with whomever you're dating so you don't waste water and if you buy one for yourself, buy six, because everybody's going to want one.
Two pretzels.. Two pretzels went walking down the street, one was "assaulted"
Sometimes there is a greater lack of communication in facile talking than in silence.
What can you see in water, but never gets wet?
Why did the cow go to the psychologist? She had a fodder complex.
In many ways, history is marked as 'before' and 'after' Rosa Parks. She sat down in order that we all might stand up, and the walls of segregation came down.
there is a street that is black. the road is black the houses are black and there are no lights on of any kind... there is this black car that comes down the road with no lights on. a black dog runs in front of the car and the car swerves and misses the dog. How did the driver see the dog?
It is great happiness to be praised of them who are most praiseworthy.
When one may pay out over two million dollars to presidential and Congressional campaigns, the U.S. government is virtually up for sale.
Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? To make up for a lousy summer.
By 1969, when I celebrated 45 years in the music business, I also had 45 people in our musical family.
Flat as a leaf, round as a ring; Has two eyes, can't see a thing. What is it?
I think I'm so old I'm in. We call it the 'Tony Bennett Syndrome.' For some reason, young people think I'm cool.
What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff. Whats blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding its breath
What is so fragile that when you say it's name you break it?
How did the desk lamp store manager feel when thieves stole all his lightbulbs? He was delighted.
Our national media refuses to report that even the Supreme Court did not say marriage was a human right in all cases nor did it say that the heterosexual definition violated anyone's right or that the heterosexual definition of marriage was unconstitutional.
The more there is the less you see
Bravery has no place where it can avail nothing.
There are 20 people in an empty, square room. Each person has full sight of the entire room and everyone in it. If you are not allowed to move in any way (other than your eyes). Where can you place an apple so that all but one person can see it?
In Canada, women's rights are a vital part of our effort to build a society of real equality - not just for some, but for all Canadians. A society in which women no longer encounter discrimination nor are shut out from opportunities open to others.
When does 10+3=1?
We all have times when we go home at night and pull out our hair and feel misunderstood and lonely and like we're falling. I think the brain is such that there is always going to be something missing.
I have a mouth but do not speek, I have a bed but do not sleep, I run every were but go know were, what am I
Eat poutine in Canada
a cowboy rode into town on friday 3 nights after he rode out of town on friday how can that be?
I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different reasons at different times.
i am a thing there beside u in the light but not when dark i am your freind dont be alarmed
We used to go to the pictures every Saturday night but we had to leave a little bit early and get home and watch Match of the Day - and my wife still complains she missed the last five minutes of every film we saw.
One word in this sentence is misspelled. What word is it?
Which US state is the friendliest towards the Japanese? Ohio
Who can see blue, and is the same hue. Who can beat you in a game, even with flame.
The search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness.
How many animals did moses take on board?
Thinking: the talking of the soul with itself.
i am about 4 inches long ang have litle bit of hair at my end when im being used white stuff comes out of me and im shoved into dark places and moved in circles