What do you call a cavator that isn't a cavator anymore? an EXcavator
what do you use with big,old bowling balls?
It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends.
What do you call someone who wears leather, likes bondage and likes getting inked? Moleskine
You may not be able to change a situation, but with humor you can change your attitude about it.
What kind of jokes do vegetables like?
I feel that directors at times are like the janitors on the set. I am the secretary, I am the organizer, I am the maid, and I ask if they have eaten or rested. The best things are always out of your control. It's those moments that surpass the imagination that are thrilling.
What do gamers plant in their garden? Skill trees!
Visit the Falkland Islands
What has 4 eyes but cant see?
So you got a marshmallow, a pop sock, and a plank of good ol' wood. You're in a metal room with welded walls and doors, ceilings, and floors. THERE IS NO WAY OUT. But you CAN get out. How?
Why couldn't Bach pay for his dinner? Because he was Baroque.
The true poet for me is a priest. As soon as he dons the cassock, he must leave his family.
Flag football
It's a complex relationship when your dad happened to be president and you are president and then you have all the amateur psychology that goes on when people try to speculate about motivations.
What can a spider weave that eyes no eyes, yet still can see.
Choose a major you love and you won't have to work for a day in your life Because that major probably has no jobs
Skinniness is not your friend when you're over 40. I'd like to gain a good 10 pounds, but I did always have a fat, round face that plagued me when I was young. When I started to make movies, I couldn't look at myself.
I can sizzle like bacon, I am made with an egg, I have plenty of backbone, but lack a good leg, I peel layers like onions, but still remain whole, I can be long, like a flagpole, yet fit in a hole, What am I?
Knock Knock Who's there Boo!! Boo who? Don't cry, it's only a joke
When too many Americans don't vote or participate, some see apathy and despair. I see disappointment and even outrage. And I believe that out of this frustration can come hope and action.
How is a rabbit similar to a plum? they are both purple, except for the rabbit.
seven hearts the journey will make and seven ways the heart will break flesh and bones and pooring rain come to me and il suck your brain. wat am i
Famous pivot stories are often failures but you don't need to fail before you pivot. All a pivot is is a change is strategy without a change in vision. Whenever entrepreneurs see a new way to achieve their vision - a way to be more successful - they have to remain nimble enough to take it.
Work a wrestling match
What did the Triangle say to the Circle? "Your life is pointless."
A man ought to live so that everybody knows he is a Christian... and most of all, his family ought to know.
an english maid walked into a pitch black room. she knows that there is a kerosine lamp, a wood-burning stove , and a fireplace. she only has one match to light somthing. what should she light first?
The duty of government is to leave commerce to its own capital and credit as well as all other branches of business, protecting all in their legal pursuits, granting exclusive privileges to none.
what goes around the world and stay in one corner
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles
I had a very famous trainer tell me once, 'You can usually train a wild animal but never tame a wild animal, ever.' They are always going to be wild, no matter what anybody says.
When you have too much of me your bored. When you have too little of me you rush. What am I
Physics does not change the nature of the world it studies, and no science of behavior can change the essential nature of man, even though both sciences yield technologies with a vast power to manipulate the subject matters.
Why do they make Raisin Bran commercials? For raisin bran awareness.
I HAVE FOUR FINGERS THAT FIT FIRMLY LIKE A GLOVE I SAY TO YOU I'M STRONG AND BUILT UP RIGHT. WHEN IT COMES TO WAR I'M READY TO PUNCTURE ANYTHING IN MY WAY. THE KNIFE IS MY COUSIN I ENJOY FIGHTING WITH MEATS,SALADS, AND SOUPS.
Women lie about their age men lie about their income.
Two guys walk into a bar... the third one ducks.
They were two twins named Daniel and David. David robbed a bank and got busted by the police. They were taken to court but David didn't get in trouble,WHY????????????????
God, to me, it seems, is a verb not a noun, proper or improper.
We know that there are significant health benefits from consuming more fruits and vegetables, and that's an opportunity for us to sort of move away from some of the meals that we've been preparing in the past.
What did the amazed Kazakhstani say? That's Astana-shing
Why couldn't the woman date a German man? Because she was Klaustrophobic!
Johnny Rotten. He's a big fan of mine. I used to see him out in the audience in England and he'd stand up and holler. He's funny. Smart too, and a nice guy. Don't think he's a jerk because he isn't.
I have a mouth, I do not talk, I always run, I never walk. What am I?
Learn a martial art
My English teacher got really angry about the format of my essay. It wasn't justified.
I cried on my 18th birthday. I thought 17 was such a nice age. You're young enough to get away with things, but you're old enough, too.
My life can be measured in hours, I serve by being devoured. Thin, I am quick, Fat, I am slow, Wind is my foe. What am I?
Get PADI Dive Master certified
why did the bear catch a cold?
A lot of people do not muster the courage to live their dreams because they are afraid to die.
My Bucket List * ~~Five gallon bucket~~ * ~~Mop bucket~~ * Bucket hat
Participate in a Zombie Experience
I do not need the idea of God to explain the world I live in.
1)I walk on four legs in the morning, two at noon, and three at night, I am a _____ 2)A fruit that has a history with two great things to its name.Without these great things where would we be?In doubt and floating in limbo no less. 3)It brings pain, greif and suffering, It saddens most and brings the Grim Reaper to call. What is it? 4)Number1:1st letter Number2:1st letter Number3:1st letter 5)Answer this riddle but take heed, This answer you will need, To solve the bigger picture, An endless line that always returns to the point from which it started
From their experience or from the recorded experience of others (history), men learn only what their passions and their metaphysical prejudices allow them to learn.
What is the difference between a man and a cat? One eats a lot, is lazy and doesnt care who brings the food. The other is a pet.
What must you break to answer this riddle?
Visit an Amish community
We should regret our mistakes and learn from them, but never carry them forward into the future with us.
Visit every country
Usually I do everything reverse. I practice something in movies and then I try it in real life.
a taxi man goes up a one way street the wrong way and a police officer see's him and doesn't say any thing why????
A mission is a place where you ask nonbelievers to come and find faith and hope and feel love.
There are two types of people in this world 1. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
If a tree falls in the forest and your not there, does it make a sound.
How do you make 9992=998001 true?
My trade and art is to live.
Climb Mount Rainier
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a lightbulb.
A mother has 5 children. Half of them are sons. Is this possible?
See, that's why Barack's running: to end the war in Iraq responsibly - to build an economy that lifts every family, to make sure health care is available for every American - and to make sure that every child in this nation has a world-class education all the way from preschool to college.
if u toss a ball and it does not hit anything how does it come back????
Walk the Kakoda Trail in PNG
Belly buttons are cool!
what starts with "P" ends in "E" and has a million letters in it?
Visit Savannah
Netball
I am not really there, but people look at me all the time, I am hated by some, but needed by others, I never tell A lie, I just tell it like I see it, What am I?
What's the smartest dinosaur? Thesaurus Rex!
Spend a week camping
To gather with God's people in united adoration of the Father is as necessary to the Christian life as prayer.
Why did the doctor switch jobs?
I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past.
A photon walks into a hotel. The bellhop asks if he needs help with his bags. The photon says, "no, I'm travelling light. "
I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at.
What has 3 feet but no toes?
How does Han Solo like to get around Endor? Ewoks
It is not so much for its beauty that the forest makes a claim upon men's hearts, as for that subtle something, that quality of air that emanation from old trees, that so wonderfully changes and renews a weary spirit.
the boss of a company decided to go on holiday but when he got to the airport he found out that he had forgot his brief case, so he went back to work and got his brief case before he went back to the airport the security guard stopped him and said 'i have had a dream that the plane you are going to get is going to crash'. so the boss believed the security guard and went home and watched the news all night and the plane that he was going to get did crash. the next day he went to work and said to the security guard'thankyou you saved my life the plane did crash' the boss then gave the security guard £100 and said your sacked. why did the security guard get sacked?
The ultimate purpose of religious life is to make this evolution move in a direction far more important to the destiny of the ego than the moral health of the social fabric which forms his present environment.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60... Now hes 97 years old and we have no idea where he is...
There are three houses and three schools.In each house there are three children.Match up the children to the schools without crossing the lines.
Go a month without internet
Visit every Disney park
I don't look at computers as opponents. For me it is much more interesting to beat humans.
Genealogy
I think a lot of people do big movies not because they are talented artists but because they can function in the circumstances.
I have four of these, With matching extremities. They can do many things, And hardly ever bring me pain. Unless I stick them with a pin, Or burn them sometimes when... What is it that I can wiggle at will? And use in other means still?
Learn calligraphy
I dig, she dig, we dig, he dig, they dig, you dig ... Maybe not a funny joke but at least it is deep.
Resist your fear fear will never lead to you a positive end. Go for your faith and what you believe.
You are walking on a path when it splits. There are 2 men standing in the middle of the "Y". One ALWAYS tells the truth, the other ALWAYS tells lies. You are allowed only 1 question. What do you ask to find out the right path? *HINT*- You can ask both guys the same question.
Attend the Boryeong Mud Festival
Canoeing
What do you call cheese that is by itself? Provolone
At night they come without being fetched, And by day they are lost without being stolen.
Even if you plan a marriage and a family, you are never quite prepared for the reality versus how you imagined it. In a lot of ways it's better, and in a lot of ways it's worse. That's life, right?
A women shot her husband, held him underwater for 5 minutes, and hung him. 10 minutes later they went out n a date. What made them go out on a date after that?
All my freakouts have been pretty private and directed at family pets and/or people I have been dating for too short a time to freak out at in that way.
Where did the team get their uniforms? New Jersey
Four people went out to play they played all night until break of day they didn't play for fun i'm told but not for money they played for gold how can this paradox explain if none lost how could all gain?
Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you.
I knew this guy who would ask men at church, "is your tie made out of bird cloth?" *blank stare* "It's cheep, cheep, cheep."
At times I've got a really big ego. But I'll tell you the best thing about me. I'm some guy's dad I'm some little gal's dad. When I die, if they say I was Annie's husband and Zachary John and Anna Kate's father, boy, that's enough for me to be remembered by. That's more than enough.
Scuba dive on every continent
I never was, am always to be. No one ever saw me, nor ever will. And yet I am the confidence of all, To live and breathe on this terrestrial ball. What am I?
What comes once in February, once in June, twice in September, once in October, once in November, and once in December?
I try to stay positive by focusing on how much I'll appreciate my health if I get better.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just gave a little wine
What a strange illusion it is to suppose that beauty is goodness.
What goes "Hahahahaha...*thud*"? Someone laughing their head off
A kid whent to class and the teacher told him to rte a report so he whent hoem and rote his report. the next day the techer asked him what his report was about and he said a puple flower and she started hiting whith a book and sent him to the offeic.when there the pricible said son why you here your 1 of my best kids. well i rote a report and told my thecher what it was aobut and see started to hit my over the head whitha book and now i am here whith u. so what was u rpeort about. a purple flower.so she started hiting him off the head whith a realer and sent him home on his way home he met a bottle dealer and the bottle dealer said.kid what u doing at of school it is only 2:00 o'clock ON NO NO WAY IN HISTERY I AM TELING U. i am a old bottle dealer what can i do to u? ow fine i hade to rite a report so i did and told my techer what it was about and she starting to hit me over the head whith a book and sentmeto the office and told thepricible what it was about and she started h...
I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework.
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza store... and says, "Can you make me one with everything?"
Where do you find your dog with no legs?
It is the privilege of those who fear love to murder those who do not fear it!
What type of school did Sherlock Holmes go to? Elementary :)
MR COLEMAN AND HIS SON WAS RIDING IN THEY CAR THEY GOT IN A RECK MS COLEMAN DIE AND HIS SON WAS RUST TO THE HOSPITAL AND THE OLD SURGEN SAID I CANNOT OPRERATE ON HIM HE MY SON
Sometimes failure isn't an opportunity in disguise, it's just you.
When is a door not a door?
Book, you look so much thinner! I know! I had my appendix removed!
Attend an NRL game
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
Railroad crossing; cars go by. Can you spell that without any r's?
if you think you got it answer this i an the and and thee i am ever thing what am i?
The art of government is to make two-thirds of a nation pay all it possibly can pay for the benefit of the other third.
Paragliding
Being generous or doing things for others actually makes me feel good so I don't do it because I hope karma will come round and get me and I'll benefit from it.
Go spelunking/caving
What do you do if a cow is in the middle of the road you're driving on? steer clear
Optimism is essential to achievement and it is also the foundation of courage and true progress.
Riddle me this, Riddle me that, What is as shady, as the black cat? It begins like a deer, but faces the same end as grass. Noah's boat could come into play and even possibly that fierce beast, that lives in Loch Ness.